Friday, April 25, 2014


"i'll steal your iphone! i don't care if you get killed!" - a stranger on the street, yelling to another person across the street 



"hilary, 2015"

i never used to drop my iphone.  then i did it once and the screen shattered.

now i drop my iphone all the time, and the screen has never cracked again.  and that is a conspiracy.


"and everything starts to change"

i ate zucchini bread today.

it was tasty
but i couldn't help but wonder,



nothing iterates the selfishness of humankind like riding a bike up eighth avenue in manhattan.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

you'll know

"can you please put that away? i'm scared." - a person on the subway, to another person on the subway, holding a shitzu wearing a 'service dog' jacket

there's a market for everything these days!


on the a train, reading the new testament over a stranger's shoulder, i counted the word 'jesus' used seventeen times on one page.

the new testament must be mostly about jesus--in the same way that sex in the city is mostly about carrie bradshaw.


have we gotten lazy with the design of the fork?  is there an innovate way to alter the design of the fork to make it more effective? 


Saturday, April 19, 2014

we here highly resolve

"jump and the net will appear." -my dad, and probably originally someone else 


they really get you with the 'chia seeds'.

"and a little bit softer now"

when newly in love,
it is more difficult to get ready for bed.


all i want for easter is nice abs.

Friday, April 18, 2014

sugar coated rasins in float in my cereal

"it was the most amazing tasting almond i've ever eaten." - my friend, about raw sprouted almonds

the sun was shining on the purity diner today.

found: lime-flavored greek yogurt


frozen grapes,
implies forsight.


why isn't there a better mechanism with which to clean a cheese grater?  i sincerely believe that, by this point in human history, we should have developed a better mechanism with which to clean a cheese grater.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

think of me fondly

"i'm glad mitt romney didn't win because my mom says that he wanted to take away the cat in the hat." - the six-year-old that i babysit, during an unrelated conversation

guess what an almost-empty subway car looks like!

"hold onto me"

you are the person sitting at the table drinking margaritas.
you are the person standing next to the table serving margaritas.


"a nascent aroma"

when the little boys mother came home, he ran over to the babysitter and shouted,

if i were a girl, i would want my baby to come out of my vagina. i wouldn't want them to cut a hole in my stomach and pull it out that way.

and the mother blushed.


what is the best food to eat before you have sex? 

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

fake mad leads to real mad

"love, even if it ends, you're going to be okay." - the woman i let cut me in line for the bathroom at a mexican restaurant in soho

this is what a child's birthday party on manhattan looks like.

even in spring, it's okay to blue

"real voodoo"

the sound

of a group of six-year-olds

running toward a shattered piƱata 

is the sound

of a group of adults

running on broken glass.


100% chance of rain today.

Monday, April 14, 2014

i'm all alone, there's no one home

"happy monday!" - no one

things change.

"we're taking this a little too far"

some mornings,
you wake up looking a certain way
and feel beautiful.

some mornings,
you wake up looking that same certain way
and feel repulsive.

and one morning you won't wake up.


being gay is great! and i hate buzzfeed.

Saturday, April 12, 2014

martyr to midwife

"the question is not, can they reason? nor, can they talk? but, can they suffer?" - jeremy bentham

let the karmic cycle of losing sunglasses begin.

amazing day to be a pigeon!

"it's just a shot away"

at first i thought

'break ups are hard.

it must be terrible to go through that


as i stared back at gwenyth paltrow

on the cover of us weekly.

then i thought

'it must be nice

to be wealthy.'


today, someone told me that i was doing a great job. it's not important what that was in reference to.

Friday, April 11, 2014

half mast

"you're lucky to be waiting somewhere by yourself." - the kid i babysit, to an almost-thirteen-year-old waiting outside his school for a ride

it's spring! leave all your sweaters in the subway station!

"on the road again"


about transgendered people


and adam's apples

and tracheal shaves

and fantasizing 

about a day when there aren't certain body parts

reserved for "women" or "men"

as i am stuck in traffic 

in a cab 

coming over the brooklyn bridge.


i had a blister on my wrist that was bothering me so i squeezed it and got bigger and bothered me more, so i squeezed it and it filled with blood and it bothered me even more, so i squeezed it again and it popped and now every time i move my wrist it stings and it bothers me way more than it did to start off with.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

something is cooking

"don't think about how big the universe is." - my friend, right before we both started thinking about how big the universe is

look how beautiful strawberries are

"stop making a big deal out of the little things"

on a clear night

gazing at the waxing moon

thinking about how on that foreign celestial mass

thousands of miles away

their flies a tiny american flag.


what if one day, the entire world decided to sleep in?

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

live, from a sex dungeon

"brevity is the soul of lingerie." - dorthy parker

this just in: bathrooms are now delineated by sex and profession 

"think about your troubles"

i use

so much plastic.

you use

so much plastic.


i bet it's fun to drive an ambulance.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

everybody gets a car!

"this feels like a more adult flavor." - my friend, about mango-flavored hi chews

guess how much almond butter costs at the small specialty food store by my house.

"that's gross"

i went in

to the vitamin shop

to see if i  could buy some advil.  

they looked at me like i 

was crazy.

they looked at me

as if i went into a gap

to see 

if i 

could buy

some advil.

from a store that specializes in selling vials full of pills.


when is there going to be a movie about oprah's life starring someone other than oprah as oprah?

Sunday, April 6, 2014

hot and dangerous

"i like to fart." - the kid i babysit 

but what color will they identify as?

bathroom of a six-year-old in park slope

"babysitter, rebecca"

if there were a contest

for "the bitchiest little girl"

this little girl

would win the "people's choice" award.


i bought some blackberry butter, which is close-to-but-not-exactly something i would typically buy, and it turned out to be delicious.

Friday, April 4, 2014

we're getting tired and in need of cash

"i've never had an attractive white male go down on me." - my female friend, on why attractive straight white males don't deserve to be the most privileged demogrpahic

 a fork in the road

a cheese platter in the road

"and everyone stopped to stare"

a mouse

is burrowing

in a square tree-bed on the sidewalk

lining seventh avenue

safely out of reach

of a dog

that is leashed to a stoop,



i had coffee with a friend, then went out for coffee with a friend, then took a coffee break with a friend, then went out for coffee with a friend.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

knighty knight

"you don't know until you know, and then you can't know once you know it." - a person at my restaurant, while eating brussel sprouts

behind that building is the sun, and behind the sun is the rest of the universe.

"a conflict of pragmatism"


i haven't felt like cooking

and i haven't felt like eating out

and i've been really hungry all the time.


what happens when your cell phone reception goes bad in the middle of a call? i mean, really what happens?

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

sexually, and non sexually

"mom, is summer coming up?" - a child, to their mother


"anxiety poop"

i went to sleep,

when i woke up it was raining.

i went back to sleep, 

when i woke up it was sunny.

i walked outside.


well, it's official.  you cannot buy unsweetened baking chocolate in crown heights.