Friday, April 25, 2014


"i'll steal your iphone! i don't care if you get killed!" - a stranger on the street, yelling to another person across the street 



"hilary, 2015"

i never used to drop my iphone.  then i did it once and the screen shattered.

now i drop my iphone all the time, and the screen has never cracked again.  and that is a conspiracy.


"and everything starts to change"

i ate zucchini bread today.

it was tasty
but i couldn't help but wonder,



nothing iterates the selfishness of humankind like riding a bike up eighth avenue in manhattan.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

you'll know

"can you please put that away? i'm scared." - a person on the subway, to another person on the subway, holding a shitzu wearing a 'service dog' jacket

there's a market for everything these days!


on the a train, reading the new testament over a stranger's shoulder, i counted the word 'jesus' used seventeen times on one page.

the new testament must be mostly about jesus--in the same way that sex in the city is mostly about carrie bradshaw.


have we gotten lazy with the design of the fork?  is there an innovate way to alter the design of the fork to make it more effective? 


Saturday, April 19, 2014

we here highly resolve

"jump and the net will appear." -my dad, and probably originally someone else 


they really get you with the 'chia seeds'.

"and a little bit softer now"

when newly in love,
it is more difficult to get ready for bed.


all i want for easter is nice abs.

Friday, April 18, 2014

sugar coated rasins in float in my cereal

"it was the most amazing tasting almond i've ever eaten." - my friend, about raw sprouted almonds

the sun was shining on the purity diner today.

found: lime-flavored greek yogurt


frozen grapes,
implies forsight.


why isn't there a better mechanism with which to clean a cheese grater?  i sincerely believe that, by this point in human history, we should have developed a better mechanism with which to clean a cheese grater.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

think of me fondly

"i'm glad mitt romney didn't win because my mom says that he wanted to take away the cat in the hat." - the six-year-old that i babysit, during an unrelated conversation

guess what an almost-empty subway car looks like!

"hold onto me"

you are the person sitting at the table drinking margaritas.
you are the person standing next to the table serving margaritas.


"a nascent aroma"

when the little boys mother came home, he ran over to the babysitter and shouted,

if i were a girl, i would want my baby to come out of my vagina. i wouldn't want them to cut a hole in my stomach and pull it out that way.

and the mother blushed.


what is the best food to eat before you have sex? 

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

fake mad leads to real mad

"love, even if it ends, you're going to be okay." - the woman i let cut me in line for the bathroom at a mexican restaurant in soho

this is what a child's birthday party on manhattan looks like.

even in spring, it's okay to blue

"real voodoo"

the sound

of a group of six-year-olds

running toward a shattered piƱata 

is the sound

of a group of adults

running on broken glass.


100% chance of rain today.

Monday, April 14, 2014

i'm all alone, there's no one home

"happy monday!" - no one

things change.

"we're taking this a little too far"

some mornings,
you wake up looking a certain way
and feel beautiful.

some mornings,
you wake up looking that same certain way
and feel repulsive.

and one morning you won't wake up.


being gay is great! and i hate buzzfeed.

Saturday, April 12, 2014

martyr to midwife

"the question is not, can they reason? nor, can they talk? but, can they suffer?" - jeremy bentham

let the karmic cycle of losing sunglasses begin.

amazing day to be a pigeon!

"it's just a shot away"

at first i thought

'break ups are hard.

it must be terrible to go through that


as i stared back at gwenyth paltrow

on the cover of us weekly.

then i thought

'it must be nice

to be wealthy.'


today, someone told me that i was doing a great job. it's not important what that was in reference to.

Friday, April 11, 2014

half mast

"you're lucky to be waiting somewhere by yourself." - the kid i babysit, to an almost-thirteen-year-old waiting outside his school for a ride

it's spring! leave all your sweaters in the subway station!

"on the road again"


about transgendered people


and adam's apples

and tracheal shaves

and fantasizing 

about a day when there aren't certain body parts

reserved for "women" or "men"

as i am stuck in traffic 

in a cab 

coming over the brooklyn bridge.


i had a blister on my wrist that was bothering me so i squeezed it and got bigger and bothered me more, so i squeezed it and it filled with blood and it bothered me even more, so i squeezed it again and it popped and now every time i move my wrist it stings and it bothers me way more than it did to start off with.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

something is cooking

"don't think about how big the universe is." - my friend, right before we both started thinking about how big the universe is

look how beautiful strawberries are

"stop making a big deal out of the little things"

on a clear night

gazing at the waxing moon

thinking about how on that foreign celestial mass

thousands of miles away

their flies a tiny american flag.


what if one day, the entire world decided to sleep in?

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

live, from a sex dungeon

"brevity is the soul of lingerie." - dorthy parker

this just in: bathrooms are now delineated by sex and profession 

"think about your troubles"

i use

so much plastic.

you use

so much plastic.


i bet it's fun to drive an ambulance.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

everybody gets a car!

"this feels like a more adult flavor." - my friend, about mango-flavored hi chews

guess how much almond butter costs at the small specialty food store by my house.

"that's gross"

i went in

to the vitamin shop

to see if i  could buy some advil.  

they looked at me like i 

was crazy.

they looked at me

as if i went into a gap

to see 

if i 

could buy

some advil.

from a store that specializes in selling vials full of pills.


when is there going to be a movie about oprah's life starring someone other than oprah as oprah?

Sunday, April 6, 2014

hot and dangerous

"i like to fart." - the kid i babysit 

but what color will they identify as?

bathroom of a six-year-old in park slope

"babysitter, rebecca"

if there were a contest

for "the bitchiest little girl"

this little girl

would win the "people's choice" award.


i bought some blackberry butter, which is close-to-but-not-exactly something i would typically buy, and it turned out to be delicious.

Friday, April 4, 2014

we're getting tired and in need of cash

"i've never had an attractive white male go down on me." - my female friend, on why attractive straight white males don't deserve to be the most privileged demogrpahic

 a fork in the road

a cheese platter in the road

"and everyone stopped to stare"

a mouse

is burrowing

in a square tree-bed on the sidewalk

lining seventh avenue

safely out of reach

of a dog

that is leashed to a stoop,



i had coffee with a friend, then went out for coffee with a friend, then took a coffee break with a friend, then went out for coffee with a friend.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

knighty knight

"you don't know until you know, and then you can't know once you know it." - a person at my restaurant, while eating brussel sprouts

behind that building is the sun, and behind the sun is the rest of the universe.

"a conflict of pragmatism"


i haven't felt like cooking

and i haven't felt like eating out

and i've been really hungry all the time.


what happens when your cell phone reception goes bad in the middle of a call? i mean, really what happens?

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

sexually, and non sexually

"mom, is summer coming up?" - a child, to their mother


"anxiety poop"

i went to sleep,

when i woke up it was raining.

i went back to sleep, 

when i woke up it was sunny.

i walked outside.


well, it's official.  you cannot buy unsweetened baking chocolate in crown heights.

Monday, March 31, 2014

criossants are mostly air

"oh wait! i want to sit on it, i want to sit on it! it's my turn to sit on it!" - the kid i babysit, about a whoopy cushion

i think i'm doing it right!

"karma of eating nonseasonal fruit"

i don't

want to oversell it,

but i seriously injured my thumb

while peeling a tangerine.


i wonder if we started referring to "work" as another word if i would stop emotionally eating so much chipotle before my shifts.

Sunday, March 30, 2014

who doesn't love to cuddle?

"she's AMAZING!!!" - my twenty-year-old sister, over text message, about miley cyrus

what to people in gentrified brooklyn buy at the grocery store?

"for one more drink"

if you go out with these people,

then you can't go out with those people,

and the beat goes on.


i started watching a 'ted talk' by malala's father--but i got bored.  

Saturday, March 29, 2014

everything is awesome

"if you close your eyes and sit on the couch, me and wade will make you look more mature and smell good." - the kid i babysit

if my boss were dead, i would never go to work.

"am i making this up?"

a blind woman

with her seeing eye dog

sits silently 

across from me on the subway.

her eyes are closed; 

she seems to be sleeping

as we travel below the east river

from brooklyn into manhattan.

i change trains at chambers street.

i fall asleep

for a time.

i am roused by the name of my subway stop

being read over the intercom.

i open my eyes

and i see the blind woman in front of me

standing with her eyes closed.


i don't want to do things that i don't want to do!

Friday, March 28, 2014

we can't stop.

"why does tragedy exist? because you are full of rage.  why are you full of rage? because you are full of grief." - anne carson

surprise, there's a dog!

"in the same bed"

a homeless man

farted on the subway.

everyone turned to look at him

and he thought

"that's all i need to do

to get a little attention?"


newly sleeping with someone means having to pretend that your body doesn't make a lot of the sounds that it actually makes.

Thursday, March 27, 2014

winders and losers.

"that sounds delicious!"  - a person at my restaurant, about a decalf skim latte 

found: balloons


a celebrity

walks into a restaurant.

behind her sunglasses,

she doesn't recognize

that nobody recognizes her.


it is remarkable how resistant people are to do things that make them fell uncomfortable

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

a little whyne

"we have four small avocados.  what more could you want?" - a generation

the world's most disgusting toothbrush

pizza pie!

"heat rises"

i'm shitting in a starbucks

wearing my winter coat.

it is the unpleasant kind of shit,

with no beginning, middle, or end.

outside, i hear the barista yelling my name



dissapointed with the state of frozen food in the twenty first century.


"it's so tempting just to sleep. i'm glad to know that doesn't change in thirty years." - my roommate, on the phone with her mother 

which blazer do you think is most professional?

"comes around"

i decided to spend time with my friend

instead of spending time with the person i'm seeing.

then my friend

decided to spend time with the person they are seeing

and i rode the subway home by myself.


i'm curious as to the evolutionary origin of spooning.

Monday, March 24, 2014

high like plains

"do you know what the deepest ocean is? the indian ocean. it's so deep that submarines can't even go to the bottom." - my ninety-two-year-old grandma, over skype

and the home of the brave

a few tiny things doing a lot of important work

not the biological function of an egg.

aren't you cold??

in the year 2014, people will be able to video chat with people thousands of miles away!

“college debt”

today, i saw an old professor of mine walking toward me a hundred-or-so feet down the street. 

as she approached, i noticed her notice me, and bury her head into her right shoulder. 

it was odd.


“an inconvenient truth”

most things went well.

but then one thing didn’t go well.

and suddenly, it felt like most things weren’t going well.


“what i imagine”

it is like

when you know that something great

is about to happen to you.


“leggings as pants”


hath no fury

like the rage

of an eight-year-old girl

from TriBeCa.


spring is the season for polyamory!

Friday, March 14, 2014

we should get married

"i 'liked' it and i shouldn't have." - a customer at my restaurant, who was experiencing a very acute trauma 

r.i.p. whitney

"parallel lives"

this man in a black beanie came into my restaurant for lunch with his boyfriend on his birthday. i'm relatively sure they were there for lunch because it was lunchtime and they ordered lunch food. i'm relatively sure it was his birthday because i interrupted him while he was opening a birthday present. i'm relatively sure the person he was with was his boyfriend, because they laughed and talked and touched they way boyfriends often do.

a few days later, the same man wearing the same black beanie came in for what would, again, be most accurately described as "lunch." this time, he sat across the table from a person who appeared to be a woman and his friend.

today, at chipotle, i saw this man again. he had a large to-go bag that looked like it was probably holding enough food for at least two people. he had his coat on and one head phone in--the combination of which makes me believe he planned to leave chipotle and bring the bag of food somewhere else, to eat it with at least one other person.

i'm happy for this man, because it seems like he lives a life where he has a lot of people who want to eat with him. 


dating should be illegal.

everything about him was red

"god please stop it! i don't want to hear that repetitive song that you sing!" - a parent, to their child

be the change you wish to see in the world.

     did someone lose this gorde? I found it!

         things occur on different planes.


what's nice about waiting in the "visual art book" section at the strand to  meet someone for a date is that you get to decide what artist's collection you want to be looking at when he arrives.

if you are looking at dali, he might think you're interesting but a little expected.

if you are looking at caravaggio, he might think you're stable or boring.

if you are looking at mapplethorpe, he might think you're trendy or that you drink your coffee black.

if you're looking at matisse he might think you're fun.

if you're looking at kandinksy he might think you're gay.

if you're looking at monet, renoir, or da vinci he might not think anything at all.

if you are waiting for a date in the "visual art book" section at strand, trying to figure out what artist's collection you want to be looking at when he arrives, and he approaches you from the opposite side that you logically expected him to approach you from, and he arrives fifteen minutes earlier than you thought he would, you might be caught looking at a book on how to draw male nudes.  and he'll know that you're going to have sex later.


The person who sold me coffee asked the person behind me if they were a student--but they didn't ask me. What could I possibly look like if I don't look like a student??

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

i just want to be the girl you like

"if it sucks we'll leave and go to the upper west side." - a man on the street, with a really shitty plan b

                 thanks, toilet seat!

"this morning"

this morning i awoke 
to the sounds of seagulls shrieking
outside my apartment window.
they sounded angry and confused.
i would be too
if i found myself in a foreign environment 
before sunrise.


putting things off until the last minute means that, most of your minutes, you get to choose what to do with.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014


"treat the situation like you are a celebrity.  like he should be thankful for any time that he gets to spend with you." - unsolicited dating advice from the host at my restaurant



"server as pseudo psychologist"

i have learned something about love.  that it is impossibly to express anything really true about love to someone who has not themselves experienced that truth.  therefore, the only thing we can truly say about love is that there is nothing we can say about it.


it's still hard for me to use some things that are child-proof.  it's hard for me to open bottles of pills, it takes me a few tries.  when am i going to reach my growth spurt?


Monday, March 10, 2014

Photo Progressions

"Dead Animal" Progression:


"Fried Eggs" Progression


"Lonely Food" Progression


"Whaling" Progression