masturb8

"i keep hearing about wisdom teeth--i've never really heard a positive story." - a pessimistic high schooler, who still has his wisdom teeth

you can't have any of these beautiful things!

scary building in crown heights!

"bailing a friend out of the cold"


do you know what there isn't?  any good, universal advice on how to get coffee with someone that you used to be in a relationship with.

there is a fair amount of good, universal advice out there for when you get dumped.  people say things like, "there are plenty of other fish in the sea," or "it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all," or "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger," or any number of proverbs that could fit comfortably on the string-end of a teabag.  even the term "dumped" is a subtle form of good, universal advice, because it drives home the point that whoever did the dumping cares about you as much as they care about their shit--which can be a helpful thing to think about sometimes.

i imagine that there is a fair amount of good, universal advice out there for when you are doing the dumping, although i can't say for sure because i've never needed to call upon those reserves.  i imagine that some of those proverbs are the same ones as those that are tied to the string-end of teabags that you use when you get dumped--which seems unfair.  (can't we have anything?)

but when you're heading into the coliseum that is getting coffee with someone that you used to be in a relationship with, there is very little wisdom from the ancestors to draw upon.  this is particularly true if you are the david in the "david and goliath" story, which is to say the small one, which is to say the one who got dumped, which is to say the shit.

in that sense, when you are getting coffee with someone that you used to be in a relationship with, it is important to remember that you are not shit--even if you got dumped.  people dump things that aren't shit everyday, and lots of people do things with shit that isn't dumping.  also, order a tea.

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i feel as though my place of work should pay for my "dr. scholls corn removers", because the corn on my right pinkie toe is a direct result of my means of employment.  could my "dr. schools corn removers" be covered by obamacare?  is there someone who can help me with this?